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  When I was nineteen I’d loved a girl, or at least I thought I did. The awful part of it was, she’d loved me too and she believed that I deserved it. I didn’t.

  I threw down the box of crackers.

  Fuck this.

  I was getting back on my bike and riding until my legs were cramped and my head was clear. The spirits of dead and gone Gentrys were thick here but I rejected them for the moment. I rejected everyone.

  CHAPTER NINE

  JENNY

  “Holy shit, is he drunk?” asked the girl to my right. She was talking about our professor.

  “I think he might be,” I answered, watching the man as he clumsily searched his desk while cackling to himself. His shirt was unbuttoned and hanging halfway out of his pants.

  The girl narrowed her eyes and flipped her curly blonde hair behind one shoulder. “How much do we pay per credit hour again?”

  “Too much,” I giggled. The professor perched himself on the edge of a small table, announced that the class was Introduction to Business Law, and then fell right over.

  The girl smiled at me. “Obviously.”

  An amusing though unproductive half hour ensued as our instructor tried to articulate who he was, where he was, and what we were all doing there. He didn’t seem concerned that a good number of those in attendance were recording his actions for posterity and probable internet distribution.

  “Screw this,” grumbled the girl. “I’m gonna get a cup of coffee. You want to come?”

  “Yeah. Thanks.” I didn’t want to sound too eager but I was really overdue for meeting new people. Ever since I’d returned to campus last week and found Ally sulking in our room, my social calendar had been somewhat strained. Ally said her brother complained to her that I gave shitty blow jobs. I didn’t bother to tell her that he would never know. Then she said Deck Gentry had a habit of fucking everything with tits and that his dick was probably rotting off. I didn’t bother to correct her on that either.

  The girl, who finally introduced herself as Stephanie, wasn’t the perky, energetic type that I often noticed bouncing around campus. I was fine with that. She seemed like she wasn’t a phony and that she expected I wouldn’t be one either. I ordered the same thing that she ordered and then followed her outside to a small table.

  “So you’re a freshman?” she asked.

  “Yes. I had planned to major in business, just because I felt like I had to pick something, but now I don’t know. And you?”

  She took a long drink of her coffee. “Junior. I’ve got three more semesters and then I’m hoping to go to ASU Law.”

  “You’re from New York, aren’t you?”

  “Long Island. Accent give me away?”

  I nodded. “My brother-in-law is from Queens.”

  Stephanie looked at me for a moment without saying anything. I got the impression she was conducting a rapid internal checklist and then deciphering the results. “You from Arizona, Jenny?”

  “Yes. I mean no, not really.”

  Stephanie raised her eyebrows and I blushed, explaining.

  “I was raised up north, by the Utah border. But I went to high school in California.”

  She nodded slowly. I crossed my arms and looked down into my coffee cup. I didn’t know why I had ordered it.

  “You don’t drink coffee?”

  I didn’t. But the memory of Deck’s voice asking me that question as he lounged nearby, looking better than any man had a right to look, made my face hot. Nearly three weeks had passed since Christmas and I thought about him every night. I also still had his phone.

  “So do you like college life so far?” Stephanie asked.

  “No.”

  Stephanie seemed surprised. I was surprised too. It was the first time I had ever actually admitted it. Everywhere I looked there were bustling young adults in a paradise of palm trees. People looked happy, or at least they looked like they had a purpose, which might be the same thing. This was what they had aspired to, and the place they would set their dreams in motion. This was what I was supposed to want.

  “I’ll learn to like it,” I said firmly.

  Stephanie smiled gently. “I hope you do.”

  Barely a second passed after she got the last word out when she let out a squeal. I stared as a blonde, muscular man sat right down in her lap. He didn’t fit there very well.

  “Chase!” she laughed, shoving him. “Get off me.”

  The guy looked offended but he didn’t budge. He turned to me, leaning across the table in blue-eyed sincerity. “I swear that’s not what she said last night.”

  Stephanie tried again. She braced two hands against his torso and appeared to push with all her might. Her companion ignored her efforts and took a drink of her coffee.

  “You’re hurting me,” she complained.

  “No I’m not. The balance of my weight is on my legs and although I am keeping you immobile I am definitely not hurting you, sweetheart.”

  “Well, you’re pissing me off, Chase.”

  “Well, you’re giving me a hard-on, Stephanie.”

  “Don’t be gross in front of my new friend.”

  “Kiss me or I’ll get grosser in front of the whole damn quad.”

  Stephanie kissed him. While their lips were locked Chase shifted position so that she was sitting in his lap instead.

  “Can I have the rest of your coffee?” he asked her.

  “Why don’t you ask Jenny? I don’t think she likes hers. Jenny, this is my boyfriend, Chase Gentry.”

  I nearly choked on my own spit. “Did you say Gentry?”

  “Yup,” Chase nodded happily. “So may I have your coffee, Miss Jenny?”

  I pushed the cup across the table. Chase took a drink and then tried to peek down Stephanie’s shirt. She smacked him away good-naturedly. I cleared my throat, a little too loudly, and they both looked at me.

  “Do you have a brother by any chance?” I asked Chase.

  “I have two,” he smiled. “You acquainted with Cord or Creed?”

  “No,” I shook my head. “The last name must just be a coincidence. His name is Declan.”

  Chase was guzzling my coffee but he set the cup down abruptly. He looked me up and down with visible amusement. “You know Deck?”

  “A little,” I admitted, remembering Ally’s comment about Deck Gentry and his raging sexual exploits.

  “That’s nice,” said Stephanie, poking her boyfriend in the side and shooting him an unmistakable warning glare.

  “It is nice,” Chase agreed. “Deck’s my cousin.” Then he kissed Stephanie on the neck, finished my neglected coffee and stood up. “Well girls, I’ve got forty seconds to get to American History 101 although I don’t see the point because we all already know how the story goes. The British lost, the Union won, and no one had any toilet paper.” He patted Stephanie on the rear end. “See you later, babe. Keep it warm for me.”

  “Love you,” she called.

  “Love you too!” he shouted, turning around once to wave and then disappearing into the crowd.

  “Piece of work, isn’t he?” Stephanie said with a shake of her head but she was grinning and blushing.

  We talked for a little while longer and then Stephanie glanced at the time and groaned that she had to get to work.

  “So I guess I’ll see you on Friday?” she said, referring to the next scheduled class time.

  “Absolutely. You think we’ll learn anything about business or law this time around?”

  Stephanie considered. “Perhaps this first lesson was good old Caveat emptor; buyer beware. “ She shouldered her backpack. “I’ll see ya, Jenny.”

  Meeting Stephanie and Chase helped me shake off the odd gloom I’d felt since returning to school. I took a nice stroll around the picturesque campus and enjoyed the pleasant weather. Following the unusual Christmas snow the temperature all across the state had been warm. I noticed orange trees everywhere, bulging with ripe fruit. I thought about what a strange fluke it was, running int
o Deck’s cousin here on campus. Maybe now I would have the opportunity to get his phone returned to him. Promise had only asked once about the man who’d driven me to Quartszite and I’d waved the question off, saying he was nobody and feeling guilty for saying it. What was I supposed to tell my sister though? She wouldn’t have been pleased to hear that I’d gone home with a stranger, nearly had sex with him and then slept in his bed.

  I wanted to talk to someone about it though, and I thought about calling my friend, Quent. He’d been in my California high school but we weren’t friends then. The first time we’d spoken was when we ran into each other going opposite directions on Palm Walk two weeks after school started here last August. He’d stopped right in front of me, shaded his eyes with his hand and smiled.

  “I know you,” he said.

  Quent Kelly was handsome and popular. He liked boys as much as he liked girls but that wasn’t his secret. He was currently in a long-term relationship with an offensive lineman on the university football team, and that was the primary motivation for choosing an Arizona school. That wasn’t his secret either. Instead it was the fact that his mother was a California state representative and had violently abused him since he could remember. I still didn’t know why he had chosen to tell me, a strange girl from high school who he scarcely knew. Maybe he just needed to let it out. It made me brave enough to tell Quent a few things about who I was too. I had never insulted him by asking him to keep the information to himself. I knew he would.

  I texted Quent, asking if he could meet for a late lunch. I hadn’t seen him since before winter break and I wanted to talk to him about Deck, and about the unshakable loneliness that grew stronger every day. He answered almost immediately.

  “No can do. Class till 9. Tomorrow?”

  “After 4 works.”

  “Great. 4:30 @ Cluck This. Know it? University Drive.”

  “Seen it. Will be there.”

  My classes were done for the day. Returning to my room and dealing with Ally’s moods wasn’t too tempting. I was hungry so I decided to go to the dining hall. I sat alone and slowly took bites of a wilted salad, just waiting for time to pass.

  And it did.

  It always did.

  CHAPTER TEN

  DECK

  I was in Carson’s Garage watching Carson cheat the smog emissions detector when it occurred to me to call my cousin, Creed. Weeks ago, at Christmas, I’d promised I would head up to the valley again real soon to see him perform. I had always known he could sing, and now he was doing it regularly in front of audiences.

  Creedence had always been something of an enigma. He was a natural stoic and it wasn’t often that he allowed emotion – pain, sorrow, even love – to shine through in a way others could see. It used to seem to me that if any of the three boys would turn bad it would be Creed, but what the hell did I know? He was fine now. He had a terrific girl, a great future and a heart that was even bigger than he was.

  Creed was exasperated as soon as he answered. “Where the hell have you been? Left you about eight voicemails the past few weeks.”

  “Had to switch phones,” I said. I always kept at least one spare around so it didn’t seem worthwhile to track down the one Jenny had. She wouldn’t do anything messed up with it.

  Creedence didn’t ask for details. He grunted. Creed could fit an entire conversation into one wordless noise. In this case it meant, “Yeah, whatever, man. Sure am glad you called though.”

  I propped my feet up on Carson’s desk and watch him take some cash from a doddering old man who drove away in a forty year old Malibu that coughed up enough smoke to choke China. Carson grinned at me through the dirty window and I waved. Falsifying emissions was easy money and Carson was glad to have it these last few years. I’d shown him the particulars of how to make the game work and usually came down here a few times a month to help out and pocket the kickback Carson still handed over. State inspectors weren’t likely to come sniffing around a small operation like this and folks who couldn’t afford costly car repairs to meet minimum vehicle requirements were given a reprieve. It was a winning proposition all around.

  “Think I promised you something about getting my ass up there to hear you sing,” I said.

  “I think you did too,” Creed agreed and I could tell he was smiling.

  “Well my ass is willing anytime you are.”

  He laughed. “If I were Chase I would make a dirty joke right now.”

  “If you were Chase I would expect you to. So when are you up next?”

  “Friday night at the Devil Lounge.”

  “Is that by the university?”

  “Yup. Other side of the bridge, past the theater.”

  I thought for a minute. “Oh hey, I know the area you mean. Thought that’s where The Crash is.”

  “You mean was. They closed that place years ago, Deck.”

  “Damn, really? Well you’ll have to excuse me for being an old timer.”

  Creed sounded irritable suddenly. “Why the hell do you always say that? Life doesn’t have to pass you by.”

  “It’s not passing me by now, Creed.”

  He sighed. Creed wasn’t prone to fits of speech so even his small outburst was an effort. He cared, that’s all. I knew that, but I couldn’t bring myself spill my guts to my cousin about what life had already fucking cost me.

  When he finally spoke again he dropped the heavy talk. “So Friday night? I’ll be on half past ten.”

  “Then I’ll be in the audience watching.”

  “Good,” he said. “If you’re up here earlier don’t be shy about stopping by my place. I won’t insult you by asking if you’d like the girls to set you up with some company.”

  I laughed. I was never lacking for company when I wanted it. “You know me. I’m never lonely for very long.”

  “I’ll see you in a few days?”

  “Damn right you will.”

  Another customer had arrived while I was talking, but Carson and his boy were already taking care of him. I was still having some trouble picturing Creed Gentry willingly getting up in front of a crowd and giving them a piece of himself. I was looking forward to seeing that. Even when he was a baby it had been a chore to get him to smile. I saw the three boys nearly every day in those early years, and while Cord and Chase were easily amused by my clownish antics, Creed always made me work for it. It would take me standing on my head until my face turned purple for him to crack the tiniest grin. But somehow a smile from Creed always meant a lot more. It was like he was born with higher standards and I didn’t mind doing whatever it took to wrestle a smile out of that kid. Then there came a terrible night when I almost lost him.

  My mother had to go back to Mexico to care for an ailing sister. Since I was already in kindergarten she was reluctant to bring me along and instead left me with Chrome. I didn’t know what the hell he got distracted by, but late one night he brought me to Maggie and asked her to keep me for a few days while he took off. He probably wouldn’t have done that if Benton was around but my uncle had crossed the line into Maricopa County a few weeks earlier. He was picked up with an alcohol level at twice the legal limit and sent to infamous Tent City to think about his mistake for a little while. And even if Maggie wasn’t the best parental figure around, she’d been holding herself together in the year since the triplets were born.

  I remembered waking up to a crash and figured one of the boys had once again escaped from the sagging playpen they slept in, probably knocking something over in the room I was sharing with them. But another crash outside the room and a guttural male voice told me I was wrong, terribly wrong. I didn’t want to open my eyes and find out how wrong.

  “Fuckin’ bitch,” growled the voice and I knew what it was, who it was. Benton hadn’t laid a hand on me since the time he hit me hard enough to turn the entire right side of my face purple. When my father came home and noticed it he set aside his usual tolerance for his younger brother and told him if it happened again he would tear
Benton’s tongue out of his head. I didn’t know if he’d ever issued the same threats on behalf of Maggie or the babies. Maybe if he did then Benton just didn’t believe it as much because nothing stopped him from kicking the crap out of his wife on occasion or smacking the babies when they cried.

  As Maggie yelped in pain and I heard the terribly distinct sound of flesh hitting flesh I rolled off the mattress, unable to breathe, and crawled toward the playpen. All three of the boys were already awake and standing there wide-eyed in the darkness. Thanks to how often my own mother looked after them, they were well-fed and growing; big strapping boys only a few days away from their first birthday.

  “De!” Chase cried and reached for me. He was the only one of them who could talk yet and that was what he called me.

  “Shh,” I warned, putting my hand over his mouth. They would have no way of understanding what was going on only a few feet away, on the other side of that closed door. I didn’t want to understand it myself. Uncle Benton was hurting Aunt Maggie again. The crashing impact of hard blows had stopped but there was a steady pounding noise and underneath that, the sound of Maggie’s sobs.

  I couldn’t move.

  Yet I had to move.

  The window stuck when I tried to yank on it but with one mighty tug I managed to pull it open. Cold desert air blew into the room immediately as the violent drama on the other side of the door continued.

  “Please,” Aunt Maggie was begging. “Please, I love you.”

  “Fuckin’ bastards ain’t even mine, are they?”

  “Benton, you know they’re yours!”

  “Shut the fuck up and take it, bitch.”

  I was sure that my uncle would burst through that door any second and I nearly peed myself in fear. There was nothing stopping me from climbing out of that window. Benton was in such a crazy rage he wouldn’t have cared who he was beating on and my father wasn’t around to remind him of any consequences. Every nerve in my body shrieked at me to get myself through that window and to safety.

  “De!” called Chase again and I turned back to the boys.