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  “So basically they killed him,” she said, and slumped in her chair with a tragically stunned look on her face.

  “Yes,” I answered, even though I’d never allowed myself to think about it in quite that way. “They may not have killed him but they killed him.”

  If it hadn’t been my uncle who discovered us, things might not have turned out as badly. But he was cruel, and unforgiving. He ordered Reese to be beaten. The friend I’d grown up threw me a look of miserable dread before my own father dragged me out of the barn where only moments earlier I’d been losing my virginity; a small and futile mutiny.

  “It was my idea! Make them stop, please. I’m begging, Father.”

  The hand he gripped the back of my neck with was iron, his face a stiff mask. When he finally spoke there was no emotion in his words, none at all.

  “It doesn’t matter, Jennetta. It doesn’t matter.”

  Reese had taken the first blows without crying out but as they continued without mercy, he began to scream. I could hear those screams for most of the half mile my father marched me through to get to my mother’s house. Eventually, distance and my own sobbing drowned them out. Reese didn’t die in that barn though. He was left, beaten and penniless, somewhere outside of Phoenix and warned never to return. He didn’t. He couldn’t make it on the streets, dying of a gunshot wound to the head in a treacherous neighborhood not two weeks later with nothing in his pockets but a Jericho Valley phone number scrawled on a piece of paper. When the investigating officer trekked up to Jericho Valley, he was told Reese was nothing more than a troubled runaway. But I didn’t know any of that until after the death of my false husband, after I’d been returned to the Faithful.

  “Oh my god, Jenny,” Stephanie said and a tear rolled down her cheek. “Oh my god.”

  “No,” I shook my head. “God had nothing to do with it.”

  Nearby a pretty girl squealed as she was swept up and kissed by an equally attractive boy. They laughed together and stumbled away with their arms wrapped around one another.

  My friend was looking at me apologetically. “I wish I was better with words, but I think you’re one hell of a brave chick.”

  But I wasn’t. I wasn’t brave at all.

  “To go through all of that,” she continued, rather clumsily, “to be able to move on despite what was done to you, despite losing your first love like that-“

  “He wasn’t,” I said flatly.

  Stephanie was confused. “I’m sorry, I’m-“

  “Reese wasn’t my first love. I liked him. We were friends. But I didn’t love him.” I coughed once. The bagel I’d eaten remained in a thick, undigested knot at the back of my throat. “I didn’t love him at all. So that makes it all worse, I think.”

  “Jenny.”

  “No, it’s okay. I don’t expect you to say anything about it. There’s nothing that should be said anyway. Sometimes I think I just don’t have it in me to love that way, that I’ll never let myself trust that much. And then lately I think that maybe I love Deck, but how can I love Deck? I don’t even really know him. And he only knows the things about me that I allow him to know.”

  Stephanie was silent. I stood up and shouldered my backpack.

  “Look, I see your boyfriend heading over here. I should get going anyway.”

  I started to walk away but she called me back. “I won’t repeat any of this, Jenny. Not even to Chase.”

  I smiled weakly “Thanks, Steph. It’s fine if you do though. All of a sudden, I don’t mind.” I took off before Chase could join us. He wouldn’t have meant any harm but I just couldn’t deal with his teasing at the moment, couldn’t deal him asking me about Deck. Suddenly I had plans that I needed to do something about.

  I had to do some fast talking to get Quent to hand over the keys to his Prius. If he had realized I was driving down to Emblem just to run after Deck he would have given me a pitying smile and a few doses of brotherly advice that I didn’t want. If Deck was avoiding me then I wanted to know why. He would tell me. Declan Gentry didn’t shy away from the truth, even if it stung.

  It took me a while to relax behind the wheel. Since I didn’t have my own car it had been months since I’d driven. For miles, cars kept honking and then accelerating around me but I couldn’t entirely blame my reluctant driving on being out of practice. I was afraid of what I’d find in Emblem. If Deck was cold, indifferent, or in the arms of another woman how the hell could I not dissolve into a puddle of miserable weeping? Still, there was something worse than confronting those risks; there was remaining in limbo and not knowing anything.

  Eventually the sprawling suburbs gave way to the desert and for a while there was nothing to look at other than the occasional weary-looking home set back far from the road. The first thing I saw when I reached the boundary of Emblem was a massive long building surrounded by thick wire and fences. I remembered how it had startled me the first time I’d seen it, when Ally had driven us down here the day before Christmas. It was the state prison.

  I pulled over into the dirt and tried to orient myself, wondering if my GPS tracking app would help me with an address of ‘the desert outside of Emblem’, which was all I knew of Deck’s location since I’d been too distracted to take notes the last time I was out here. Luckily I found the Dirty Cactus pretty easily and then remembered where it was in relation to Ally’s house. From there I felt like I had my bearings and I followed the two-lane road south of town.

  My heart was pounding as I drove slowly, peering out the window at the surrounding landscape. There were no sidewalks; the sides of the road just bled into the sand. Small homes squatted on large squares of desert, as if they were watching from a distance. Somewhere in all of this was Deck. I started to get nervous at the idea of seeing him soon. Before I’d left Tempe I’d thought about sending him a text to let him know I was on my way. Then I didn’t. I was too afraid that he would finally respond, and that he would tell me not to come.

  I nearly missed the sharp turnoff. After coasting past it the first time, something triggered in my brain and I turned around immediately. A half mile down the rural dirt stretch I saw that my senses had guided me correctly. There, only a few dozen yards away, was where I’d spent a cold Christmas night, where I’d summoned wild impulse and nearly had sex with a man I had met only an hour earlier.

  As I slowly braked to a stop I looked around, somehow expecting Deck to be lounging in front of the place, waiting for me in his leather jacket, a killer smile on his lips. He was nowhere in sight and neither was his bike.

  I parked the car and walked with some uncertainty to the door. My arms were crossed over my chest and I felt exposed, maybe because of the dark windows peering at me from the home of his neighbor. That place looked even more appalling in the full daylight. It seemed like a modern dark fairy tale version of the forbidding place in the wilderness, the place where evil lived. Deck’s face had grown instantly grim when I’d asked him who lived there. If he had family living in that rusted, rambling eyesore then he didn’t particularly want to acknowledge it.

  Deck’s door was made of thin aluminum and it vibrated as my knuckles rapped on the surface. “Deck!” I shouted, the word sounding absurdly loud in the barren stillness. There was no answer, nothing other than a brief scrabbling in the nearby brush as my noise was probably disturbing the local residents. I knocked again, more forcefully, but the door merely shuddered under the impact and then stared at me as impassively as ever.

  At the base of the trailer door was a large concrete block. Although it was shallow and not meant to be a seat, I sat on it anyway.

  “What now?” I muttered. I’d started making too much of a habit out of mumbling to myself. Who the hell did I expect would be answering? The scorpions? The geckos?

  This hadn’t been a well-thought-out plan and now I was realizing that I couldn’t very well wander around Emblem in a clueless quest to find Declan. The sun would be going down in an hour and I didn’t know my way around very well. T
here was no guarantee that Deck was even here. I mean, he might just be down the road. Or he could be back up in Tempe, and had just opted not to tell me. For crying out loud, he could have decided to drive to the other side of the country. He could be freaking anywhere.

  Quickly, before I could chicken out, I called him. I had to clear my throat several times before speaking but managed to make my words sound upbeat and cheerful.

  “Hi Deck. I just happen to be in Emblem. I just happen to be sitting at your front door. I just happen to want to see you so badly that I’m willing to wait around for however long it takes for you to find me here.”

  Except I wasn’t sure about that last part. As I drew my knees up to my chest I considered whether I was really that willing to toss away my own pride. I’d driven all the way down here on a whim to throw myself at a man I wasn’t sure even wanted me. All of a sudden all the sweet and intimate moments I’d shared with Deck seemed terribly distant. Maybe none of it had meant a thing to him after all. There had to be a long list of women eager to lead him to a warm bed.

  The squeal of damaged brakes startled me. That sound sure as hell didn’t come from Deck’s bike. I watched as a battered pickup truck parked beneath the rickety carport jutting out of the side of the patched trailer beyond. My neck prickled with alarm, although I couldn’t have said why. Whoever came out of that truck was bound to know Deck.

  The man didn’t see me right away. He exited the truck heavily amid a slew of obscenities. He kicked a clay pot in the yard and cursed again. He was big, light-haired, and obviously strong, although middle age had taken a bite out of his muscle and left something softer in its place. Something told me it would be better if he didn’t see me sitting there. However, after he was done kicking the pottery around the yard he turned to Deck’s trailer with a steely-eyed glare. There was nowhere for me to hide.

  “Hey!” he shouted and set off in my direction. He walked with a limp but still covered ground quickly. As he grew closer I saw that he was carrying a bottle of booze in his right hand.

  “Um, hello,” I stammered, standing with my back against the door, “I’m a friend of-“

  “Deck’s,” he finished, coming to a stop six feet in front of me. He looked familiar even though I was sure I’d never seen him before. His blue eyes searched me coldly and then he broke into a smile that was somehow ugly even though he wasn’t an ugly man. “Looks like he ain’t around.”

  “Looks like it,” I said and clasped my hands in front of me because I couldn’t think of what else to do with them.

  He was looking distastefully at the Prius. “California, huh?”

  “Yes. I mean, that’s my friend’s car, but yes I used to live in California.”

  “I’m Benton Gentry,” said the man. He held out a hand, the one that wasn’t holding the bottle. “I’m Deck’s uncle.”

  “I’m Jenny.” Reluctantly I took his hand. His grip was very strong. He held on for a second too long and I had to deliberately pull away. Then I thought of something. “Wait, are you…” My voice trailed off. I had been about to ask him if he was the father of Declan’s cousins. Indeed, I could see he had a lot of physical features in common with Cord, Creed and Chase. But then I remembered that once Stephanie had mentioned something about the Gentry boys not having a relationship with their father. I hadn’t asked why at the time and she hadn’t offered to tell me.

  “What?” he asked, his blue eyes narrowing as he stuck his thumb into the waistband of his pants.

  “I just thought we’d met before but I guess we haven’t.”

  He grinned. “No, we haven’t.” He looked away, in the direction of the dirt road. It was empty. That was unsurprising since there wasn’t much here at the end of it.

  “You haven’t seen him, have you? Declan, I mean.”

  Benton Gentry’s blue eyes snapped back to my face. The smile on his lips didn’t quite reach his eyes. His words were friendly enough though. “Naw, not today. I’m sure he’ll be back though. Deck always comes back.” His smile grew wider. “Kind of chilly out here to sit around and wait.”

  “I don’t mind,” I mumbled, although I actually did need to use a rest room. If Deck didn’t show up soon I’d have to head into town to find one.

  Benton gestured sloppily in the direction of his house. “You’re welcome to come inside for a little while.”

  “Thank you, but I really don’t mind staying out here.”

  “C’mon Jenny, the Mrs. would love to meet Deck’s girl.”

  “Is that your wife?”

  “Yeah,” nodded Benton. “His Aunt Maggie.”

  Deck had mentioned Maggie before. He’d been bragging proudly about his cousin, Cord, and his artistic talent. He said Cord had gotten that talent from Maggie, the mother of the triplets. I couldn’t understand his sadness at the mention of her name, or why he went on to say that none of it mattered because Maggie was ‘lost’.

  “Lost where?”

  “Lost in herself, Jenny.”

  Then he’d changed the subject completely and I knew enough to let it go. There were some things Deck didn’t want to share, just as there were things I didn’t want to share. But I didn’t feel that way anymore. As I’d heard the words come out of my mouth this afternoon when I confided in Stephanie I suddenly needed Deck to hear them too. Maybe then he would give words to his own private battles. I wanted us to know each other that way. That was why I was here.

  Benton was awaiting my answer. Usually I was on the lookout for men’s bad intentions but I couldn’t detect anything worse than curiosity in his stare. He was Deck’s uncle and although he seemed rather sloppy, he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me, especially not with his wife around. After all, Deck thought enough of him to live right next door when he could easily have lived anywhere else.

  “Actually,” I said, “I would like to meet Maggie. And if it’s not too much trouble I would appreciate it if I could use your bathroom really quick.”

  Benton nodded. Then he flashed a quick grin and turned around, starting to walk back the way he’d come. “Follow me then, Miss Jenny.”

  Ever since the days of Jericho Valley I’d been unable to overcome my general suspicion of men. The boys I’d gone to school with, the ones who were obviously sweet and well meaning, weren’t immune. There were only a handful of men in my life I genuinely trusted and I had no intention of changing my mind. Even when I followed my careless roommate for a night of hell-raising fun, it wasn’t because I was suddenly open-minded. I’d only meant to kick away the guarded, careful girl everyone thought I was. I was sick of her. Declan had caught me by surprise. He was everything I should have been wary of. And as humiliated as I was when he refused to have sex with me, I also knew right then that he was one of the good guys.

  Benton waited for me at the door and held it open with a fatherly smile. Because he was Deck’s uncle, and because now I needed to leave Jericho Valley behind, I followed. I wanted to believe that there were more men who could be decent than men who couldn’t. I smiled back and went inside, showing that I trusted him.

  I shouldn’t have.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  DECK

  Charlie had insisted I keep his truck all week, arguing that I might need it since Maggie obviously wasn’t fit to sit on the back of a bike. He had another truck anyway. He moved my bike to an old shed behind the bar and told me to take my time. Charlie Royner was a good sort. I found him in his bar, holding shot glasses up to the light.

  “There are spots on those glasses,” I said when I walked in. I was quoting an old commercial.

  “Fuck you,” Charlie grinned with more spirit than he usually showed. He put the glasses down and shook my hand. “What’ll you have?”

  “Nothing.” I settled on a bar stool and nodded to Carson’s boy on the other end. I didn’t know he was old enough to drink. Time sure has a way of flying.

  Charlie filled a glass from the tap anyway. “In case the thirst gets to you.” He flipped a tow
el over his shoulder and grew serious. “How’s it goin’ out there?”

  I’d talked to Charlie a few times and given halting updates. The first few days had been nothing short of horrific as Maggie shook and spat and cursed while the toxins slowly left her. I’d never found myself in that role before, of a caregiver. I was almost like a parent as I fed her and cleaned her and tried to comfort her when she cried for Benton. At least seventy five times a day I would find myself staring at my phone, ready to call the boys. Though they had rightfully washed their hands of their dreadful parents, I knew they should be told about what kind of shape their mother was in. No matter how much they tried not to, the triplets still cared, especially Chase. Chase was the one who would have shot down here like a bullet if he thought she had a chance. Today I would do it. I would call him.

  “She’s hanging in there,” I said smoothly and took a long drink of beer after all. When I’d left her a little while ago, Maggie had been seated cross-legged on her bed. She had a pencil and a sketch pad. She’d asked for them three days ago and had taken to carrying them around with her everywhere, even though she never managed to do much other than smear formless shapes onto a blank page. She just couldn’t hold the damn pencil still enough and her brain was too fucking jumbled to recall what she wanted to do with it in the first place. That didn’t stop her from trying though. It was enough to make a man cry, if he remembered what she had been, what she was trying to be once more. Then she’d lifted her eyes, looked at me with childlike faith, and asked about Benton again, which crushed the small bubble of hope I’d been nursing.

  Stop fucking looking for him goddammit! STOP!

  But Benton had a hold on her that was greater than any addiction. It transcended reason, blood and a mother’s love for her own children. It would only end when she did.

  I told her that Benton would be back soon. She nodded with a smile, returning to her unfocused sketching, and I left.

  Charlie was more cheerful than I’d seen him in ages and it turned out there was a reason why. Old Charlie had actually found himself some pussy.